Aparna Sundaram

I'm not comfortable with public speaking…this was Gautam's speciality. And I know it would be easier if I weren't standing here and if my father, a gifted orator like Gautam, was talking to you instead. But I actually was given the courage to be here by many of you. Your numerous emails, letters and phone calls to my family not only offered us comfort and paid tribute to Gautam but allowed me to know him even better. I learned of how he made you laugh harder than you'd ever laughed, how he gave you a crucial bit of advice or a crucial piece of himself, how he wrote you a beautiful letter or engaged you in the conversation of your life. So now it's my turn. I'd like to let you know how he touched my life. And as much as I miss Gautam everyday, I know for a small amount of time in my life I was really blessed. It was gift to have Gautam as a brother and a friend.

I love talking about Gautam because although we are similar, we are different. He once wrote me saying "me and you are crazy. We ramble, we hang, we talk" -that part is true. We shared a love of movies, yoga, deconstructing girl/guy issues and laughing. But we were also different. I am more conservative and Gautam was an adventurer. I followed a paved path and Gautam always blazed a new trail for himself. He'd even invite me over to walk the path he'd cleared but more often than not, I'd decline. I'd reason only Gautam has the strength to overcome those obstacles or only Gautam could handle those sorts of challenges. So when I tell his stories, I have a chance to live vicariously through him. I just bask in the knowledge that this person is my brother.

So last September, I was in Mexico and talking about Gautam to some of my friends who had not met him. I told stories of this brilliant, vivacious, multi-talented, handsome, funny, charming, guy. And then out of nowhere I was asked something I had never been asked before. My friend leaned into me and said "so are you jealous?' It took me by total surprise. It was something I had never considered. Sure there was a time when I wasn't his biggest fan - but that was back in 1978 when I had to wrestle him everyday so I could watch "the Brady Bunch." But how, how could I possibly be jealous of him?

In fact, it is impossible to be jealous of Gautam. He always talked to you as if you were the most interesting person doing the most important thing. He shared anything he had with you without a second thought. He went out of his way to invite you along to wherever he was going. And he would introduce someone he had met a few minutes earlier as "his friend" - because he truly believed it. Gautam gave you confidence when you lacked it, restraint when you needed it and love when you craved it.

Gautam also could be so self-effacing when we spoke…convincing me the only way he'd ever get his movie made was if I quit my job as a teacher and produced it for him. "C'mon Apie", he'd say with a whine "I need you." I often would tell him I thought he was brilliant and there wasn't a thing he couldn't do. And he would respond in a quizzical voice "really?" And then he'd suggest maybe he had to hire me as his PR rep. if he was ever going to make it. Gautam was too genuine and too sincere to ever envy.

Many of you know Gautam as a good guy - a caring and compassionate person. That was evidenced in our house from the beginning. Gautam always put his little sisters first. When we moved into our new house when I was 8 although he was older than me - I got the larger bedroom. When he cam home from tennis camp everyday and would sit his exhausted, drained body down on the couch, I'd appear out of nowhere screaming that he was too sweaty and could not sit on the couch. He would give me an annoyed look but without a word would always slide down to the floor. When he moved downstairs to his cool-teeanger -in -the -basement room, my little sister wouldn't let him use her bathroom upstairs during tv commericial breaks. And although he'd try to offer her money in exchange, she would hold her ground and he would have to run downstairs. Priya and I were tough on our older brother but he always took it in stride. Where his sisters were concerned he had an abundance of patience, love and understanding. Even as adults when the 3 of us were together, Gautam always took a moment to put his arms around us and declare to whomever was around, "I love my little sisters."

Gautam's charm was apparent at an early age as well. Gautam was 16 when he received his first real paycheck. He called me up and asked me what type of flowers do girls like. In my worldly 13 year-old wisdom I confidently answered 'red roses' That afternoon, he engaged the help of Priya and myself to distract my mom while he entered the house and later that evening, when my mom walked into her room, there were a dozen red roses waiting for her. The 3 of us just curled up on the couch and giggled as my mom and dad tried to figure out where they came from.

Gautam would never stop at anything to entertain his sisters. He could make me laugh like no other and then when I'd say "Gautam you are soooo funny.' "He'd dryly reply "Aparna you'd laugh if the wind changes directions." One summer when my family was traveling through India Gautam decided he was only going to speak in Dr, Seuss rhyme to Priya and me. It was one of his more inspired moments. After hours of Gautam saying things like "I'm feeling very hot,maybe I'll lie on this cot." Or "Priya have this cookie, hey, maybe I should be the Cardinal's new rookie" we begged him to stop. And of course he went on. Because after all, life to Gautam was about keeping himself amused. I awoke the next morning figuring that silliness was behind us, and within a second I hear from Gautam's bed "the sky is so blue , hmm I think I'll have a chew." For a whole another day, Priya and I were torn between groaning and giggling. Gautam always knew how to take everything one step further.

Gautam was the perfect big brother mix of friend and parent. Even as an adult he would tell me "you are my sister and my baby." I remember the first time my parents went out of town and left Gautam in charge. Of course he was going to invite his friends over but in the older brother move of the year he said I could have friends over too. For a eighth grader it didn't get better than this and dutifully on that Friday afternoon Gautam drove me and 5 screaming 13 year-old girls home. He did limit us with staying in one section of the house, not bugging his friends and definitely no boys over. Gautam then left the house for a few hours and a couple of eighth grade boys showed up. I'll never forget the fear I felt as his car pulled up in the driveway and the girls were shouting "Gautam's home, Gautam's home!' I immediately kicked the boys out of the house and I prayed he wouldn't find out and feel that I had let him down.. The minute Gautam walked in he knew what had happened. He gave me a stern talking to but then he stayed and hung out me and my friends. My big brother was 'cool.'

Gautam and I continued to be good friends through out our life. We liked discussing the fact we probably would have been friends even if we had not been related. As if our friendship had been predestined. He always spoke honestly to me. He was not afraid to call me on my weakness but praised my strengths without hesitation. I can't even count the number of times Gautam told me he was proud of me. He would say it at the most unexpected times. As we were sitting around a restaurant table with friends, he'd lean over and whisper it or say it in the middle of a phone conversation about something completely unrelated. It always immediately filled me with pride. If Gautam thought I was doing something right, it had to be right.

Gautam embraced my friends into his life as he embraced all people he encountered. He drove cross country with one of my high school friends and when they showed up at my dorm room in California he jubilantly exclaimed "Sarah and I have been through so much together that we're now officially married!" Last year he called up another friend of mine and declared he wanted to come to Montana and "do the nature thing." She had both of them in a raft floating down the Green river a few days later. There are very few of my friends that have not spent time with Gautam independently of me. He would look them up in NY, LA , SF or London and as was his gift with people -he always made a connection. He became a friend and brother to many.

As we grew older Gautam still warned me to stay away from the boys. But then when it was clear I'd been single too long for his liking, he encouraged me in the other direction. A few years ago he actually wrote to me, "I want you to get the most out of life. And I believe those things lie in the deeper worlds of the heart and mind. When the right time and person come into one, your energy will open to accept it as instinctively as a mother embraces her child. And when you have love and a whole fulfillment in your life, no one on this earth will be happier or know you are more deserving than me." Fortunately, when that right person did come into my life Gautam was able to meet him.. And when Gautam wanted me to move to LA to be his producer and I asked but what about Carlos, my boyfriend in Mexico. He replied, "marry the guy Aparna……Jesus, I'll marry the guy." He even suggested that the two of us move into his single apartment and become his roommates. He confidently stated "I think it could really work." Gautam's approval was a beautiful thing.

The memories I have of Gautam are endless. He touched my life like he touched yours. I just had the good fortune to have known him from the day I took my first breath. When I was six, we were sitting in the front row of the movies and when I was twenty-six, we were cutting work together to go to the movies to the movies. He was there for Priya and me from the beginning. He was the one who taught Priya how to swim when she was five. And when she was eleven, he convinced her to take a martial arts class with him - making her the youngest student and the only female in the class. He told me I had to take his three hour boxing class with him while we were at Columbia and I did, although I couldn't lift my arms over my head for a week afterwards. When we were both applying for graduate school, he drove thirty-five minutes to my house, unpacked his huge desktop computer, plugged it in and decided that we had to write our applications together. Nothing seemed impossible when Gautam was by your side.

It's scary to think that I no longer have Gautam by my side but then I realize I'm only thinking of him in physical terms. It is he who wrote me saying, " I love you Aparna. We have an amazing relationship and wherever I am. Whatever I am doing. You will be there with me. Always." Gautam didn't believe you had to be there physically to be there with him, so now is the time for us to believe that about him. He is here with us. His love, his energy, his laughter, his warmth will continue to be here with us.

Gautam also said to me "Aparna I just want to create one thing of beauty. I don't know what it is yet but I have to leave one thing of beauty behind." I just need to say to Gautam - you did. You were that thing of beauty. You showed us what it meant to live life passionately, to love intensely and to speak honestly. You showed us how important it is to be true to yourself, to not take anything about ourselves or life too seriously, and to always make time for good conversation, even if it's with a stranger. Your beauty has touched more lives then you'll ever know and I'm certain your legacy will out last us all.

I wish Gautam eternal peace. I wish Gautam happiness. He really does deserve it.